Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) Film Review

After losing money in an illegal card game to a dodgy criminal, a group of young blokes have to try to get a shit ton of money in a hurry. There are crims of all kinds, there are drugs and heaps and heaps of blokes who are just a bit too clever.

This is such a perfect, 90s first feature type of film. Arty camera angles and special effects, great soundtrack, dialogue which is just a bit cleverer than it needs to be (along with a few massive pinches of ‘as if’). It was great back then… now? Well, it’s aged badly for me. What I loved then for being a bit sexy and cool is now cheesy and shit. And back then, I don’t think I cared if a cast was almost all white and male. Now… I just expect more. But what was really nice was a surprise appearance by Rob Brydon – that was nice! I’d love to see what someone seeing it for the first time would think – would it be clever and a bit sexy, or just a bit crap?

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels won the 1999 BAFTA Audience Choice award and was nominated for Best British Film and Best Editing.

Transporter 3 (2008) Film Review

Transporter 3

For Transporter 3, they’ve swapped the annoying child (from Transporter 2, and he wasn’t actually that annoying) for an annoying party-girl (and she is very annoying). There is more kidnapping, technological devices and explosions, but add to that a ill-described sexual tension leading to unconvincing sex and you’ve apparently got a film. Still, the fighting is cool.

Transporter 2 (2005) Film Review

Transporter 2

What is it with crap sequels and children? When will they learn?

Transporter 2 finds Frank Martin (Jason Statham) driving the young son of a wealthy couple around. When it appears that he has kidnapped the kid, he needs to prove his innocence, and keep the child safe.

The plot is crap, but the action is awesome – ridiculous and awesome. If you like high quality action films, don’t watch this, but if you like noise and explosions, this is the film for you.

The Transporter (2002) Film Review


Frank (Jason Statham) is the Transporter. He takes packages from one place to another, no questions asked, for large amounts of cash. Only one day, things do not go according to plan and he is drawn out of his solitary existence and into an action packed drama.

Shooting, running, explosions, some kick-arse fight scenes and you’ve got yourself a top-notch action flick. Don’t look too closely at the plot; it’s got holes in it. Big holes. But don’t worry about that; just enjoy it. I now cannot wait to get my hands on the sequels. Awesome.

The Expendables (2010) and The Expendables 2 (2012) Film Review

expendables expendables2


Don’t watch this film for the storyline. There is one. I think. But who cares? If you’re watching these films, you’re watching them to see Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris and heaps of other massive action film stars all in it together.

The films don’t disappoint – if you want explosions, guns that literally rip people in two, blood, serious muscles and corny one-liners. They do disappoint if you want plot, sub-plot and facial expressions (man, the amount of plastic surgery on screen is surprising). You don’t need the first film to know what is going on in the second, and the second is heaps better. Unfortunately, Jet Li is out of the film early on, but in the second film there is one scene with Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone all with massive machine guns killing bad guys in the airport. What more do you want? Chuck Norris? Yeah, you get him too. And I’m pretty sure he made a Chuck Norris joke.

Expendables 3 is on IMDB, apparently to be directed by John Woo and Nicholas Cage is on board. I was hoping for Wesley Snipes – he should be out of jail (tax fraud) this year, according to the internet. But Cage will do.